Lately i was encountered with a lot of anger from my eldest son. Some unexplained tantrums he throws although he turned 8 now and he has been since his birth the reflection of calmness, quietness and happy person. I was not prepared for a change in this attitude being the resilient he is. It happens that i underestimated some major changes in his life. After growing up with his brother of one year difference so smoothly, the thought did not cross my mind that having a little sister could change something in his Brain chemistry.
After digging, researching, observing his attitudes, my reactions, his questions and most of all his change of behavior; i decided to shed some light on Children’s Anger!
Yes! a child can be Angry just like a growing up!
No, being angry at them or for them does not help! It is Not Personal at all.
Let me state few of the reasons that could aggravate a child or make him snap:
A child cannot understand or express this kind of feeling, if he messes up or you mess up as a parent with him; he will have many reactions,one of them among others can be anger.
When a child does something wrong, or an idea that bothers him crosses his mind; he will snap trying what he knows best to make the feeling go away! He screaaaams!
Not to say More! have you ever had this feeling! Did you feel a sibling if favored? or a colleague is promoted when you should be! Where you in need of attention when some one else just took the credit by adding only the joke factor! Yep they feel it tooo!
The reaction: Mad! mad! SAD
Don’t be shocked! Nowadays, kids get stressed easily!Whether the reason is rivalry (friends,siblings, friends of friends…); or the FOMO factor(fear of missing out) ; owning the latest trend, getting the higher grades, being in the spot/not being in the spot enough…and the list goes on!
Sometimes, just as us Adults, kids experience some negative thoughts, a fear of losing a parent! A lack of recognition or too much appreciation at some point that may be reduced due to parents personal reasons or state of mind. The responsibility that may lay on kids shoulders without you asking or advising (first born responsibility/middle child complex/ last born spoiling)! These can be applied on any of the kids , it doesn’t have to be in particular by this order… These are personal expectations that are not met, It could also be poor boundaries or rules set tot he kids; Lack of parents time.
Do you kiss them good bye in front of the school door?
Do you share their stories with some other persons ( even if they are a family member)?!
Do you answer them with other than wanted to their questions?
Bottom Line: When our own hurt, grief, fear, disappointment, embarrassment, Jealousy, stress ,frustration and many of these negative feelings combine in our system or only one take over, we tend to React; to lose a nerve, to cry, to scream, to shout, to withdraw… As it is NORMAL feeling we, Adults, deal with! it should also be a normal feeling for kids to acknowledge. This anger should be accepted in a certain ways by parents who should empathize with their kids in order to find a solution, and teach them a”mindful” way to overcome and walk through this process.
A good answer to Anger is to communicate, but first agree with your child on a calming sanctuary ( a special place for him to calm down); there should be no punishment for this act (not applicable when the child hurts himself or someone). The special place/thing/book/notebook/retreat, should be agreed in a moment of quietness.
Last but not least! Hug them as tight as you can!
Play Charades with them, imitate them when they are angry… let them see themselves in a fun frame.
Laugh it Out!